A group of men are releasing a DVD on their childhood sexual abuse to encourage others to seek help. Stuart Teather reports.FOR Jamie Walker and Miles Millward, the road to recovery from childhood sexual abuse has been a long and tough one.
They are very different men,
yet they share a bond forged by the pain of their youth: both were sexually abused as children.
One was abused by his sailing coach, the other a member of his family. Both men bottled it up and kept it a secret for decades.
In 2003 a counsellor asked Mr Walker whether he had been abused as a child and he couldn't admit it. "At first I denied it. I said, 'Nah, that never happened to me'.
"I thought about it the following week. I went back the next week and just got it out that I was abused as a child.
"It was that much of a relief, to finally have someone to talk to and get it off my chest."
Both men are involved at Southern Health's South Eastern Centre Against Sexual Assault (SECASA).
Mr Millward said most men had difficulty opening up about past trauma.
"[As a child] I was told, 'No one else will understand this, this is something special between us - it's just mucking around. If you do tell anyone I'll get arrested, I'll go to jail or I'll kill myself'.
"All the guilt and shame gets put on you. It gets to the stage - I don't think I was ever told this but it was implied - you're a party to this, you're involved, you're doing it as well."
Mr Walker agreed: "In my case I thought it was my fault. I didn't do anything or say anything to stop it, so [I thought] I'm just as much to blame as he is."
That's where SECASA comes in. Along with counselling, the group helps organise weekends away for victims of childhood sexual abuse.
"I kept on telling myself other blokes are going to be there who've been through the same shit I've been through," Mr Walker said.
"You realise, I'm not that different than what I used to think I was. I'm not the only one this has happened to."
Mr Millward agreed.
"You get on this weekend and you meet other people from all different walks of life, all different ages," he said.
"You don't even have to say anything. It's just an understood thing.
"You look into each other's eyes and you can say, 'I know where you're coming from'."
It was at one of these weekends that the men formed the idea of making a DVD to help educate counsellors about their battle, and to encourage men who have been through sexual abuse to open up.
"The target audience, from our point of view, is other males who haven't had anything," Mr Walker said.
"They'd been abused, bottled it up, grinned and beared it like everyone tells you to. We want to let them know they're not alone."
One of the big problems is that victims often are alone, abandoned by their friends and
families.
For both men, opening up about their abuse as children has caused huge rifts with their families.
Mr Millward said his family did not want to confront the issue.
"I knew that by opening that up and bringing it out, it would hurt my family and it would be really tough on them.
"There's nothing worse than trying to fight on two fronts: you take on the history and the pain you dealt with when you were a kid, and at the same time your family, friends and people like that who say, 'Why don't you leave this in the past, nobody wants to deal with this'.
"[They say] 'You did what you did, you made a choice, you were part of it', this sort of thing. It's ridiculous. All the guys who are in counselling have got this same treatment from their families and people closest to them."
SECASA manager Carolyn Worth said many families struggled to accept that anything had
happened.
"You're asking people to somehow rearrange their view of how their family life was for that block of time," she said.
"They have to start thinking about - and I'm sure they do - did they actually ignore it and sweep it under the carpet?"
The men have bared their souls for the DVD in the hope that it will help others.
Mr Millward said they talked about the abuse itself and the impact it has had on their lives, their relationships and their ability to get close to people.
"In the documentary Jamie says, 'I'm a big bloke, no one can mess with me', but the fact is we weren't big blokes back then.
"We were just kids. You've got no chance."
SECASA is holding an official launch of the DVD, Back on Track, at Monash Medical Centre in Clayton at 6pm on Wednesday.
There will also be a panel with some of the men featured in the DVD to answer questions.
Details and bookings: Sue or Emily, 99288741.
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